Heres one about me...

At my nans *Again, i only go there once a year!!!!! And shes a fantastic cook!*

My Mum borght 4 little glass piggies for my grandparents on holiday when i was a baby.
They go out the room and when they come back id got then and bitten the tails off. First my mum thought id cut my mouth open, but then took me to hospital to see if id swalowed them. Doctors couldnt find anything so my mum had to go on poo watch...I play with those piggies every time i see em.

When my mum was out and dad (when living with us) was in the garden my sister decided to change my nappy..... shit all over the walls cause she *wiped it to clean it*.

Another baby shit story. Friend of my parents whos alot like Garth in waynes world's earliest memory was when his parents where holding a party and he was stuck in a cot pram in a mood. He needed changing and his parents wernt there so he picked out his poo and threw it at the door.

Two dreadful moments....

Typical festival toilet gag. Phoenix Festival 1994. As everyone knows the Phoenix festival was the My-Mum's, Own-Brand Box Of Broken Biscuits of Festivals. Someone on site didn't know quite how to work the toilet : and instead of sucking it all away, all the toilets in the network pushed it all back. Fine. Excepting they all came up through ONE toilet : the last one in the queue. Which I opened. Hungover. On the Monday Morning. I was looking at a 5 day old pyramid of shite taller than a man, blacker than midnight, and with the appopriate sense of awe that only comes from seeing a modern miracle with one's own eyes. It was almost a work of art.

The other one happened at Christmas. We recently got a rabbit, who would eat anything. After two solid weeks of eating pine needles, the poor fella began walking funny and leaving blood spots on the floor. He was shitting the needles, undigested, and had developed, a huge, distended set of muscles, on his arse thanks to the super-rabbit effort he was making to shit out the pines. It was like a huge, fleshy, second tail. I didn't even imagine in my worst nightmares I would ever face Rabbit Piles. Let alone having to douse his rearend with cottonwool covered in something I couldn't pronounce from the Vets three times daily until his second tail has shrunk again, weeks later. Oh. My. God.

Red cheeks, brown legs

After a physical education lesson, a guy in my year had a serious bout of the shits. So, being either very brave or very stupid, he wrapped a towel around himself and tiptoed to the lavs down the other end of the school main corridor. There, he began a mammoth squits session. However, half way through, tne bell went for lunch and the whole school evacuated into the corridor.

Panic.

He got up, threw the door open and ran, full-pelt down the corridor hoping to make it back to the changing room before anyone saw him.

He lost his towel, ran nekkid and shat all the way up the corridor in full view of almost everyone in the school. On top of that, he ran into the PE teacher's office to find Mrs Parsons there instead of Mr Pavey.

Funnily enough, he didn't show for a couple of weeks after that.