Typical festival toilet gag. Phoenix Festival 1994. As everyone knows the Phoenix festival was the My-Mum's, Own-Brand Box Of Broken Biscuits of Festivals. Someone on site didn't know quite how to work the toilet : and instead of sucking it all away, all the toilets in the network pushed it all back. Fine. Excepting they all came up through ONE toilet : the last one in the queue. Which I opened. Hungover. On the Monday Morning. I was looking at a 5 day old pyramid of shite taller than a man, blacker than midnight, and with the appopriate sense of awe that only comes from seeing a modern miracle with one's own eyes. It was almost a work of art.
The other one happened at Christmas. We recently got a rabbit, who would eat anything. After two solid weeks of eating pine needles, the poor fella began walking funny and leaving blood spots on the floor. He was shitting the needles, undigested, and had developed, a huge, distended set of muscles, on his arse thanks to the super-rabbit effort he was making to shit out the pines. It was like a huge, fleshy, second tail. I didn't even imagine in my worst nightmares I would ever face Rabbit Piles. Let alone having to douse his rearend with cottonwool covered in something I couldn't pronounce from the Vets three times daily until his second tail has shrunk again, weeks later. Oh. My. God.
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